hop hop happily hop

So, the last time I wrote it was more than a year ago, it would have been the first term of my second year.  In between, on slips of paper, mutterings and rants in my mind, pained grunts in the shower, ears of friends, I think it is time that I start again.

Its still within the 15 days but I am breaking Mum’s heart, or at least, making her unhappy, feel cold and confused.  I don’t really know how this could have happened, with neither party meaning to.  I am sure we love each other very much. Or do we? As I was writing to YZ, my love for my parents came into question. What does it mean, to love them? Is it a yes-no question? Is it a quantitative, accumulative counter? Is it a qualitative confusion that has every shade imaginable? I don’t know how to make things better.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, meanwhile! I need to start treasuring my days and time more, be more effective. Everything will be ok in the end. I just have to believe it and stop torturing myself.  I just wish, I didnt feel so alone and I had the support of the parents.  But, sometimes, things aren’t the way you’d like them to be, so that is ok.  Thank you for everything that I do have!

Please let me graduate with a degree, please y r y please let me not be sipping coffee in the kitchen pondering what’s ahead for too long, please!

stop apologizing

Saying sorry all the time is not only irritating but also insincere. If one was more sincere, apologies should be reinfored with proper action to pre-empt future apologies.

Long day

I feel really frustrated today, because Ive consistently not been acheiving what I set out to do.  Work is always piling up, more things to do, I never seem to be on top of the list having done everything. Dont enjoy this very much at all.

But when the wind blows, Ive just got to pull harder.

hug?

26th November, 2009

I just typed 2007 there. Thats not even funny, its 2 years back! I need to start living and finishing stuff real time.  Indulged in a movie last night and then a really long chat, which are all really nice but certainly didnt help with my wanting to wake up at a good time today. But I have to say The Talented Mr. Ripley is my new favourite film. Its nothing like Ive ever watched and liked before, its got such complexity, layers and little nooks and crannies to get to know. When I try to think about it, its like looking at a bit of crystal in the sunlight: its red at that angle, twist your finger a little and its blue. You blink a little, the clouds move a little, its got green yellow and blue all in one tiny shard. Its shining, its blinding, but you cant stop looking at it because its fascinating and wonderful.

Now I have to watch Cold Mountain and The English Patient.

For now, the rain in Spain falls mainly in the Plains.  Have to cobble out something decent for the essay. IT HAS TO BE GOOD. Every pull, every stroke, nameless has to be inching ahead.  Dont look back, know youre ahead. Finish line! Oh the good old Macritchie days, Samme: wherever wherever you are, have a nice day!

"Poster design from Concept Arts"

me llamo yan y me gusta la biblioteca

Above, my mini half-hearted attempt at revision post session.  It was really fun, hopefully I can make time and get somewhere with it. Und auch mit Deutsh. hopefully Berlin someday!

The weekend was this awesome recharge at Shared Planet that redeemed the preceeding week.  The week had dribbled and annoyed me like dry spittle, Thursday called for emergency measures: a trip to blackwells.  A hanif kureishi was procured, coincidentally, I had watched my beautiful laundrette.  If I daresay, very similar scent..The highlight of Shared Planet was better understanding of carbon markets and the pro-cons of the debate in the workshop. Finally! Even though these could be found on the web, I reckon with me its the number of times I have to read/listen to it to finally hammer it in. So that was good.  While I could understand mr. danny xxxx(?) ‘s cons explanation, I was fairly annoyed with his derisive laughter and hyperbolic phrases which punctuated his delivery.  It couldve done without it because it just made me feel he was very bias and opinionated.  Which Im sure he isnt.  Another score: finally understanding the theory of how credit creates economic activity in the short run.  Ann Pettifor did what Suckling and Rahimah couldnt, perhaps again its just a matter of my own time, or the fact I wasnt asleep to be fair…

The train ride home was really nice, had nice conversations and finally really felt part of the crew.  also, it was the crowded train that did it really – it just felt all so industrious (everyone was reading something, perhaps more importantly, I read for partway! First time I didnt doze off or just stare blankly out the window daydreaming) and purposeful. Travelling.  Viajamos, wir reiste.

I should take at one luxurious long bath a week.  Hydrotheraphy.

I love the library at night, its full of quiet people purring like smooth engines, chugging like steam trains and making underground tunnels like earthworms.  Today was a good night and I heard Mr. Tom Tietenberg loud and clear from my favourite room in the library.  What more excellence dare I expect!

Loud the winds howl

Today I feel very restless.  I roamed campus searching for a place to plug in, to sit down and just rest.  Today I just feel like I want to go home, wish I didnt have to attend the meeting later. What is it? Is it the rush since morning? Failed attempt no.3 to wake up at a desired time. Rushing to print my report, rushing to class, rushing to next class, thinking of having a quick lunch. rushingrushingrushing.

It should be peanuts after JC really. I recall walking to school not wanting to start the day, feeling glad it was thursday already, thinking about being a hamster on a threadmill, but the day just throws itself at you. It doesnt ask for your approval, it just begins. The bell tolls, the anthem starts, the rush for first class.

I should be grateful that I don’t feel like that right now, I really should!

Didnt submit a good report today, tho it was only a procedural one. Not part of the plan at all. The plan, the magic number, is 85. EIGHTY FIVE.  The first assessed component is tomorrow and I must be well-prepared. I should read at least 5 papers tonight regarding emissions reduction facts.

Looking forward to the weekend!

Grey morning, thank you for the warm lamp

I snuck into bed early yesterday because it was an unfulfilled day (I gave up) and the warm bed was too inviting.  Perhaps there IS a downside to buying a new beautiful duvet cover…

Spent the day doing the first part of careers planning, did a personality test, went through some files with websites, searches, past experiences. Getting acquainted with the available resources, a bit bewildering. Which I suppose is normal, so its good to encounter the bewilderment and get over it asap. No structured plan in my head yet, but it will come soon.  Definitely company names, people to approach and apply to.  Some lines to research into – environmental consultancy, Masters sponsorship maybe, social entreprenur-ing and the third sector. Meanwhile, I just got to keep working at my goal of 85% this year. Work a lot harder.GO!

Called Yenzi just, it was nice, talked about our days and what was up and down.Just as if I am in Singapore.  This calling thing is good, shall do more of it.

Volunteering meeting went well, P&P as well despite my not having done much this week. The rest were really good with articles and leaflets, shall do more and hopefully we can make switch green happen.

 

On another note, the hole in the orchid leaf is mending, jolly jolly!

Back for more

The sky is so beautiful, the stars are shining for us tonight. It would have been nice to be able to identify some constellations. Perhaps it is wanting to get to know, to get closer to the stars.  I was hoping I’d chance upon the meteor shower. Chance, that makes it special I think. Mingsee was waiting for it at home, which is very adorable.

I caught a glimpse of the minimart shop owner in his abode above his shop. It was as if it was meant for me to see, on a cold windy night.

He picks her up from her armpits, raises her.

I can hear her laughing from watching her little face.

Yellow safe homely light.

She plops onto his shoulder and she is the crowned again the queen of his heart,

the apple of his eye!

Suddenly making plans don’t seem so tiresome, but rather, fun while being essential.

New sensations

I am in a unique situation of sitting around waiting for possible reactions from a bee sting. joy.Ok, fine, not so unique. Euphemism fail. But still, I am not quite as irritated or upset (yet) as I could possibly be.

I feel responsible for myself, looking after myself, being sensible and not just going straight to bed and perhaps sleeing through any possible more serious symptoms till its too late. Of course, the probability of this is 0.34234%, granted possible.What I was saying was, its a nice feeling being responsible for yourself. Tonight it is.

The sting is perhaps 3 on a scale of 10 now. It was a fuck exclamation in immediacy. Why bee, why? Why sit slyly on my carpet so quietly all day? I would have expanded all energies to bring you back to your pollen heavens if I had seen you, but no. Thank you for writing these words.

Another thing about encountering misfortune is you get spoilt. I just got cereal delivered to the door, and free dish-washing. From a friend who HATES washing and hates the kitchen. Wow. I feel supremely loved.

Today was a very nice day, I gave someone a surprise in the morning, had good conversations, fed lots of plants top soil, ended practical work for the garden, painted in the sun, chatted with many people. And I chose correct presents, got to eat some wonderful victorian sandwich sponge cake as well.

my bee

Life is so interesting, it answers you. Yesterday I was feeling slightly doubtful about doing nice things for people. Its not that I dont enjoy it, because I do. Its very nice to be able to make people smile. But sometimes, when you face ‘work’, things undone, you lose sight of reasons and forget memories (I dont know how I do this). So anyway, life answered me very nicely today. I am very glad it did, because I needed it I think. Lucky girl, shes so lucky!

So far so good, no allergic reactions, just new sensations. pleasurable.

why do I sound like the copy-writer advertising certain explicit products?

But anyway, sometimes bee stings are good!

Reading

The sky was red last night, and I thought, I would write something, just to remember the feeling of the red sky outside. Nothing spectacular, supremely fear-inducing, or even comforting. It was just an ordinary feeling of being in on a red-sky night, in a particular D Block, in a pretty city somewhere in the world.

Been tussling with Simon Dresner’s Principles of Sustainability for the last few days, after it decided that it had sat on my shelf for long enough. I am glad that I am reading it although I would consider it an acheivement if I even really understood 50% of it. Values of the Enlightenment, the third way, liberal democracies, reflexive modernisation. How nice it would be if I had classes on these and sat around discussing paragraphs of books. Hah, but I suppose, it is highly possible that I make this statement only precisely because I can make this statement.